Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
