thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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