Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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