I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
