I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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