i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i've created a new STD.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
