Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
