Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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