I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
