I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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