my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
