Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
