MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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