so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
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