Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
