You don't have asthma, your pregnant
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
