Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
