I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
