i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
