Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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