I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
