franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
