I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
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