then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
