Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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