I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
