Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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