His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
