Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He has the fingertips of a God
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