The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
