When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
