Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
