were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
