Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
