It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
