anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
