i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
