I think i peed on brittanys purse
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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