My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Dick very happy bro
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
