If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
