I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
