you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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