I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
