there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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