He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
