on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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