i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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