is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
