You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
