im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
