I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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