Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
high people should be assigned attendants
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
